It’s no secret. Dating is hard. Sometimes, dating can be so exhausting and complicated that the idea of getting back out there is a turn off altogether – but how do you accomplish your goals of getting into that happy relationship if you don’t date?
So, you put yourself out there, and embrace the messiness of dating, and almost instantly remind yourself of why you perhaps stopped in the first place. It feels like a catch 22 right? Can’t win for losing…. Or can you?
Getting Hurt While Dating
I’m a firm believer that the first step at approaching any problem is to invest time into figuring out what the problem actually is, and why it is. This gives you an opportunity to approach your goal from a different angle, and this angle may lend itself to more productive results.
The answer to why dating is hard is actually pretty simple. I think Usher explained it best – you’re “Caught Up”, which is me oversimplifying the reality that you’ve allowed something you want and/or like cause you to dismiss non-negotiable standards in dating.
Women and men typically get caught up in different things, but both things center on whatever you’re attracted to and/or value. It’s common for men to get caught up in their physical attraction towards their partners, while although this is important for women as well, women more so end up getting caught up in their emotional attraction towards their partners, or how someone ends up making them feel. Whatever sparks you, the point is, usually when that match is lit? The dancing flame becomes the distraction that causes you to dismiss a lot of the signs that could have saved you from being disappointed at the end.
Men usually end up getting hurt after investing more time then what they should have and use that pain to justify shutting down because they asiacharm dating think everyone’s the same. Women usually end up getting hurt after feeling played or betrayed when they’re ghosted, and use that pain to justify becoming cold and distant.
We like to think that we have more control over our emotions than what we actually do. Respecting the lack of control we have in this department will actually afford you more control to execute your goals more efficiently and below I detail a method on how to do that exactly.
This method is designed to make sure you’re not investing earlier/more than you should. It can be divided into two parts:
Date 1
On your first date, which ideally is a bit casual (drinks or coffee, lunch, etc.) you’re focusing on assessing whether or not the person in front of you has the same values and relationship goals you do. If you do not have similar values (which is different from beliefs) then chemistry will not be enough to outweigh how problematic that will be later. If you do not have similar relationship goals? (i.e. you’re looking for a long term relationship or marriage and they’re just “casually dating” or looking for friends with benefits) then, there is no later. You want to have clarity on why they’re dating, and a rough sense of their values by the time that date concludes. If your values conflict or they don’t share the same goals you do? Then there’s no point in moving forward.
People who choose to keep entertaining a dynamic after establishing this reality set themselves up for disappointment by choosing to hope that the “chemistry” will make up for what’s lacking, or that “people will change their minds” — you should value your time and energy more than this.